Wednesday, 26 August 2009

doom ...

So, today B and I braced ourselves and entered The Room Of Doom.

It turns out that because of all the sterling work that our friend and I did in there a few months ago, it was MUCH less doom-laden than we expected. We now have eight bin-bags and about the same number of two foot by eighteen-inch by eighteen-inch boxes stacked outside waiting to go to the tip; and a boot-load of things for the charity shop. There are two or three more boxes to go through, mostly of things that need to be divided in to charity shop / keep categories; and a cabinet full of old business stuff that needs a little more filtering; but we are pretty much there.

Also, the books are all boxed up.

We SO rock.

On Monday, B's mother and father turned up and removed our spare bed. At least, we thought it was our spare bed, because when we offered to pay them for it last year, they said that they didn't want to take our money. However, it turns out to have actually been THEIR spare bed all the time; and therefore they arrived to remove it in a van. They also returned Sister Natalie's A0 drawing board that has been living at their house, apparently causing them much dudgeon. But they omitted to bring back the cot, the changing table and the high-chair that I had bought on eBay for the children to use when they were at their house, that I had asked them to bring so that the daughter of a friend of ours could have them.

It was most peculiar. We had been supposed to meet them at a farm park on Sunday so that they could spend some time with the children. But because they wanted to come down with a van and move furniture, we suggested that they took them both for a walk in the pram then, instead, rather than us losing two days of packing time. But they only stayed for fifteen minutes and were really peculiar all the time they were here. We are both pretty fed up with the whole thing. B's mother is pushing for both of them to go down and stay in Somerset to spend time with the children when I am visiting B in France mid-theatre-tour in September. How is that going to work, if they aren't prepared to spend half an hour with them in our company when they have the chance?

It's all very tedious.

B has just returned from taking the kids for a walk to get them out of my hair - bad period today. Time to launch in to tea-and-bedtime.

And that is all.

Monday, 24 August 2009

dead woman walking

Sometimes, things hurt you so much that you think you will never be whole again. And yet the shell of you continues walking and talking like the outside of you doesn't know that a part of the inside of you has died.

And that is all I have to say tonight.

Friday, 14 August 2009

from the heart

Dear Sister Natalie

I have a few things that I have been thinking over the years and I'd like to lay them out to clear the air.

Firstly, I do not want to impinge on your life in any way whatsoever by coming back home to live. All I want is a home for my family, close to my wider family. I want to do my best for them; and for our mother. I know that we haven't always got on; but I would really like us to be able to work towards being friends and supporting each other.

Secondly, for twenty years I have stayed away from home except when I really, really had no place to go, because I know how strongly you feel about the place and how much you have needed to be there. Therefore you have only ever seen me when I have been in extremis. You don't know me any more. Your image of me is stuck in our teenage years when I was ill from a frustrating and debilitating illness and reinforced by seeing my need for shelter at the end of an abusive relationship.

You have no idea how I am on a day to day level - my needs and desires, the things I find satisfying or unpleasant, what I find funny or what makes me sad.

You don't know what makes me tick any more. Just as I don't know what makes YOU tick.

I value my independence. Above everything, I don't want to be reliant on anyone else, ever. And that seems to be your main fear - that I will turn up and expect everyone to do things for me.

That is not the case. It has NEVER been the case. I have never asked for help gratuitously, financial, emotional or practical, when I have been able to manage without it. And I am not about to start now. I am looking to make a relationship with you that will benefit all of us - you, Ma, B, me, the children. In ways that obvious to us now and perhaps in ways that are not yet obvious.

I don't want anyone to do anything they don't want to do, or don't feel able to do.

All I want is a home for us. Somewhere to put down roots, be settled and to grow. You have no idea how it feels to be rootless and as badly bruised as this - how could you? I don't think many people have experienced what we have been through. The last twelve months have been hell for B and me. It's a miracle that we are still standing and still together, let alone that our relationship is still as strong as it is. I know that we have both lost our father; and that was a really painful process. But on top of that, B and I have lost our home. Our business. His family. And nearly, our daughter.

It has taught us a lot of things. But the main thing it has taught us is that it is people who are important. We just want to be with our family, right or wrong. And unfortunately for you, you and Ma are all there is.

I really hope that we can make it work. There are so many benefits for all of us. I know that being friends might not be possible. But beings sisters might be a starting place to see if it is.

With love,

Your sister,


Wednesday, 12 August 2009

dot org


Packing SO sucks, doesn't it?

I am doing my best to chuck stuff out - so far, I've gone through baby clothes and kit, some of the stuff in the shed and am moving on to books. I am a bit scared to go in to the Room Of Doom. Today hasn't been a good-day child-wise. We have had some friends staying, one with a three year old; and last night the adults stayed up far to late and caroused for far too long ... which resulted in frustrated and bored kids this morning.

This afternoon, B and I took them all for a walk and ran the legs of them - and they were all asleep by six. It's seven thirty now and I don't think that the rest of us will be far behind them.

Tomorrow - organising moving surgeries with the Health Visitor.

For today, that is all.

Thursday, 6 August 2009


Please can I have a sick note for not posting three times a week as I was aiming for? Because, we have found a house in Somerset a mile and a half from Mum's and will be moving in to it in the first week of September.

We both feel as if we are picking up the threads of our life again and steering our own ship rather than being buffeted around by random winds and whims. I am so happy. Let's see how I feel in a month's time :)