Wednesday, 4 March 2009

it's not that


Sometimes I still feel as if I'm stuck in the headlights of a car, in the middle of the road on a dark, wet night. And although I can see the car coming and am blinded and dazzled by the beams and their reflection on the wet road, the driver of the car has no idea that I'm there and is going to drive right through me.

I am having a really difficult week. I think it's depression - I wake up each morning and instantly want to burst in to tears. The feeling stays with me all day. Putting one foot in front of the other, dressing the children, feeding them, putting them down to sleep, making sure they have some relatively clean clothes to wear; some days it's really hard. I just want to sleep. Sleep sleep sleep.

B has got three days work this week - two nights away. He went this morning. It's the first time he's been away since Nenna went in to hospital at the beginning of December. Things are very different with the two children now - it's much easier to manage the two of them by myself.

So it's not that.

We are settled here in the house. I like it. B likes it. We are gradually getting ourselves sorted out.

So it's not that.

Money is okay.

So it's not that.

We are enjoying being a family and enjoying being together with less stress to deal with.

So it's not that.

The most ridiculous things leave me overwhelmed. For example, in a minute I need to put my shoes on and go and feed the chickens. And then I need to take the dry washing down from the rack and put the wet washing up. And then I need to sort out the two chicken carcasses I've got boiling for stock in the pressure cooker. And make Leo some tea. Feed Nenna a bottle. And put them to bed.

Just routine stuff. But looking at that list, I get stuck at the bit about the washing. I just can't imagine making myself do it. Washing is my Bete Noire anyway - I just about manage to put the dirty stuff in the machine; but putting it on the dryer is hard to motivate myself to do; and putting it away mostly never happens. Ironing I don't do - it's against nature. It's like the washing is a great, mountainous hill in every single day of my life that reduces me to a gibbering wreck.

Isn't it peculiar what makes you realise that you're not really coping?

The Health Visitor is trying to get us some extra help to come and look after the children or help with the house. I went to see someone on the Mental Health team a couple of weeks ago to try to see what practical and emotional support might be forthcoming from them - and got treated so poorly that I am making a complaint; more of which later once it's sorted out. Suffice to say that I don't think that that is going to be any good to us practically.

I just want to weep. And then can't do that because I feel hollow inside and there's nothing there. I've got a GP appointment next week to talk about hormones ... I think I probably need to discuss post-natal depression as well.

On a cheery note, we had four chicks hatch from the incubator on Saturday. It was a very poor percentage - there were thirty six eggs in there. I am giving the cockerel a repreive for now, as it's early in the season and he's young ... but if he doesn't buck his ideas up, there'll be pot-roast for tea one night soon.

We are weaning Nenna. Photos soon.


6 comments:

  1. Awe. Sometimes, when there is a lull, this is the time you have to, well, fall over, or at least bend in the wind. Does that make sense?!
    If ma, or someone, has any spare cash, could she give you some to enable the washing to go off to the laundry for a bit? (I mean get it done and returned, not the washing to go on its holidays!) And, give you some practicual help in putting it away - maybe you need some tidy space. Just an idea.
    Big hugs for you, I do know how you feel, and it was my step-mother who would come over and help. k XX

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awe. Sometimes, when there is a lull, this is the time you have to, well, fall over, or at least bend in the wind. Does that make sense?!
    If ma, or someone, has any spare cash, could she give you some to enable the washing to go off to the laundry for a bit? (I mean get it done and returned, not the washing to go on its holidays!) And, give you some practicual help in putting it away - maybe you need some tidy space. Just an idea.
    Big hugs for you, I do know how you feel, and it was my step-mother who would come over and help. k XX

    ReplyDelete
  3. tea and cake is right.

    Think of this as good news in a perverse kind of a way.

    Have you ever worn the wrong shoes on a hot summer's day? Its not until you've got home, taken them off, sat down and breathed out, that all the little nerve endings in your feet start to complain and let you know just how squashed they were. The blisters that were mere pinches begin to throb viciously. Your feet go red and swell a little as if to say 'I'm not going back in there again!'

    This tearfulness IS all those things you said it couldn't be. Your body has held you up through a battle or six, and now it wants time off in lieu, to redress the balance. Ask any teacher about getting ill for half term. You are in the garage, on blocks.

    All of which means part of you has worked out that the war is over.

    The only way is up.

    Huge hugs (and sod the laundry - who's to see grubby, if you're staying indoors?)
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. tea and cake is right.

    Think of this as good news in a perverse kind of a way.

    Have you ever worn the wrong shoes on a hot summer's day? Its not until you've got home, taken them off, sat down and breathed out, that all the little nerve endings in your feet start to complain and let you know just how squashed they were. The blisters that were mere pinches begin to throb viciously. Your feet go red and swell a little as if to say 'I'm not going back in there again!'

    This tearfulness IS all those things you said it couldn't be. Your body has held you up through a battle or six, and now it wants time off in lieu, to redress the balance. Ask any teacher about getting ill for half term. You are in the garage, on blocks.

    All of which means part of you has worked out that the war is over.

    The only way is up.

    Huge hugs (and sod the laundry - who's to see grubby, if you're staying indoors?)
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Once a horrible situation has gone away, that doesn't mean you immediately get over it. If you did, I'd think that you were bottling up your feelings and you'd break down later. Your reaction sounds completely normal to me, Ally - which doesn't mean that I think you don't need practical help.

    You may be depressed, but that's not surprising, surely. I'd be more worried if you had absolutely no reason to have a care in the world and yet were still depressed. As it is, you've every reason to be emotionally and physically played out. And yet you still are able to say you enjoy being a family, carry on with the chickens, all that sort of thing. It takes time, and you will get better gradually, with some setbacks along the way. Really, I promise you - be kind to yourself and comfort yourself when you're down. As long as you give the children hugs and cuddles, they don't give a damn about clean clothes. Other than nappies, wash as little as possible.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Once a horrible situation has gone away, that doesn't mean you immediately get over it. If you did, I'd think that you were bottling up your feelings and you'd break down later. Your reaction sounds completely normal to me, Ally - which doesn't mean that I think you don't need practical help.

    You may be depressed, but that's not surprising, surely. I'd be more worried if you had absolutely no reason to have a care in the world and yet were still depressed. As it is, you've every reason to be emotionally and physically played out. And yet you still are able to say you enjoy being a family, carry on with the chickens, all that sort of thing. It takes time, and you will get better gradually, with some setbacks along the way. Really, I promise you - be kind to yourself and comfort yourself when you're down. As long as you give the children hugs and cuddles, they don't give a damn about clean clothes. Other than nappies, wash as little as possible.

    ReplyDelete