Sunday, 1 February 2009

where the heart is


I want, so very much, to come home.

I am tired. I feel beaten. I feel drained. I feel overwhelmed. I have run and run and run; I have tried and tried to put down roots away and make a life for myself.

I left home when I was eighteen. In twenty years I have never thought that I wanted to come back to live. I have been so afraid that if I admitted that I wanted to, not doing so would be too much to bear. Coming back was impossible - Sister Natalie and I have never really got on. There was no-where to actually live that didn't involve sharing a house with either her or with Ma. Ma and I love each other dearly; but we cannot live under the same roof permanently.

Now, things have changed. Pa is dead. Ma is struggling. Sister Natalie and I have declared a truce that may, if we are lucky, evolve in to a non-dysfunctional relationship.

This last year, B and I have truly been through things that are too much to deal with. We are both exhausted. Neither of us is coping with day to day things very well. We are arguing and sniping at each other because we are so tired and have been so stressed. We know why - it's reaction to the last twelve months. But that isn't helping. Since this time last year, we have been through the death of family and friends; we have lost our business; we have lost our house; we have gone in to bankruptcy; we have nearly lost our new daughter. We have done all of this whilst I was pregnant and whilst B's mother was feuding with us, even to the extent of phoning Ma three times in the fortnight before Pa died to bitch about me. During the pregnancy and all of the other things, whilst I was suffering from post-natal depression and debilitating SPD, B was holding the family together. And now he is tired too.

Now, right now, I just want to come home. I miss the air here. I miss the smell of the hills. I miss the red soil that sticks on my boots in the winter and puffs up in fine dust under my feet in the greenhouses in the summer. I miss the 'clunk-roar' of the boilers coming on in the night; and the way the flax-blooms in the field opposite the gate ripple like water under the wind when they are in flower. I miss the oak tree half way up the lane where the owl sleeps. I miss the swallows zipping in and out of the back door to roost in the coal cellar and the hum of the Little Pump when someone is watering.

I want to rest. I want to recharge my batteries. I want to plant things and know that I won't have to move on and either uproot them or leave them behind in a few months. I want to be near my mother and my sister. I want help with the children. I want B to be able to rest as well. I want to have time to spend together, relaxing.

I feel rootless; aimless; purposeless; lacking in any kind of goals.

All I want, for me, for B, for the children, is to be happy and secure.

I want, so badly, to come home.

12 comments:

  1. Oh honey...I wish you peace and renewal and quiet and a chance to recharge. It will come. Let it into your life. 2008 was a very very hard year for you. But you did make it. You reached in and found a resource that got you through, that you didn't perhaps know was there.

    It still is.

    The rich red earth? I think I know which part of the country you mean...I spent my teenage years there, and I know it well.

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  2. Oh honey...I wish you peace and renewal and quiet and a chance to recharge. It will come. Let it into your life. 2008 was a very very hard year for you. But you did make it. You reached in and found a resource that got you through, that you didn't perhaps know was there.

    It still is.

    The rich red earth? I think I know which part of the country you mean...I spent my teenage years there, and I know it well.

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  3. Awe lovey, I'm sorry you're feeling so down and tired. Thank goodness you and B have each other. And, you have your mum and sister. I've got no advice to offer, but just know I'm thinking about you and, if there is anything I can do, please let me know.

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  4. Awe lovey, I'm sorry you're feeling so down and tired. Thank goodness you and B have each other. And, you have your mum and sister. I've got no advice to offer, but just know I'm thinking about you and, if there is anything I can do, please let me know.

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  5. Maybe its time... but in time all of the last year will fade (I hope it does). Being at "home" may make it easier, but remember home really is where the heart is..

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  6. Maybe its time... but in time all of the last year will fade (I hope it does). Being at "home" may make it easier, but remember home really is where the heart is..

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  7. I don't blame you. I came home when I also got oh so very tired. I lived next door to my parents, on their property, but not living actually in the same home, for twelve years. and it worked out well. we moved on since, but not far. I don't know if it will work for you.. but I can see why you are tempted. all i can say is it worked out for me for many years.

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  8. I don't blame you. I came home when I also got oh so very tired. I lived next door to my parents, on their property, but not living actually in the same home, for twelve years. and it worked out well. we moved on since, but not far. I don't know if it will work for you.. but I can see why you are tempted. all i can say is it worked out for me for many years.

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  9. If I had happiness and security to give, you and your family would have it.

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  10. I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. It's not surprising after the year you've had. I moved back in with my parents almost three years ago. It has its good and bad days, but my children are in their late teens and weren't living with me anyway. My eldest was already living with my parents. Good luck and I hope things turn out better for you.

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  11. I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. It's not surprising after the year you've had. I moved back in with my parents almost three years ago. It has its good and bad days, but my children are in their late teens and weren't living with me anyway. My eldest was already living with my parents. Good luck and I hope things turn out better for you.

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  12. Thinking of you all. Would a virtual sloe gin be a start?

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