Eleanor came home on Thursday. She still has bronchilitis but is considerably better. We are all still reeling from the shock of it all and to be honest, I'm a bit bonkers. Can't stop crying, want to get in the car and drive off, don't want to touch the baby, or B, or speak to anyone. That kind of thing.
It would have been Ma and Pa's fortieth wedding anniversary today and I've just rung her. She's in a little wet heap, too. Sister Natalie is having Job Issues that sound as if they are veering from 'A Quite Shit Manager' in to 'Constructive Dismissal' that are taking up all her brain space and making her really grumpy. And she's upset about all the Eleanor stuff, too.
I got drunk and had hysterics last night and that doesn't seem to have significantly helped. I'm going to see the GP this afternoon, with Eleanor. I suspect B will come as well.
We are plodding on. When the unthinkable and the unimaginable happen, you just get on with it, don't you? However bad one feels, the children still need to be fed, the chickens have to be let out, the washing and drying have to be done. Bills have to be paid, groceries have to be bought. I cannot imagine feeling any worse than this. B says that we can share the emotional load - but I feel like this despite that sharing. Outside I am like an automaton, going through the motions, smiling, talking, functioning. Inside I feel numb. As if someone has scooped out the middle of me, all the bits that make me ME, with a spoon.
If someone touches me or even speaks to me with kindness, with anything other than a random contact, it is as if they are pressing on a bruise. As well as the numbness, there is the anger. The only way I can describe it is that I feel spiritually bereft. If a benevolent moving moral force DOES exist in any form in the universe, how can it have allowed all these things to happen to us in the last year? Blow after blow after blow? What did Eleanor do to deserve being that sick?
B says, perhaps all these things would have happened anyway and the force for good that we both believe normally looks after us has done it's best to mitigate them for us. Perhaps that's true.
But at the moment, I just can't see it.