Friday, 12 December 2008

numb


Eleanor came home on Thursday. She still has bronchilitis but is considerably better. We are all still reeling from the shock of it all and to be honest, I'm a bit bonkers. Can't stop crying, want to get in the car and drive off, don't want to touch the baby, or B, or speak to anyone. That kind of thing.

It would have been Ma and Pa's fortieth wedding anniversary today and I've just rung her. She's in a little wet heap, too. Sister Natalie is having Job Issues that sound as if they are veering from 'A Quite Shit Manager' in to 'Constructive Dismissal' that are taking up all her brain space and making her really grumpy. And she's upset about all the Eleanor stuff, too.

I got drunk and had hysterics last night and that doesn't seem to have significantly helped. I'm going to see the GP this afternoon, with Eleanor. I suspect B will come as well.

We are plodding on. When the unthinkable and the unimaginable happen, you just get on with it, don't you? However bad one feels, the children still need to be fed, the chickens have to be let out, the washing and drying have to be done. Bills have to be paid, groceries have to be bought. I cannot imagine feeling any worse than this. B says that we can share the emotional load - but I feel like this despite that sharing. Outside I am like an automaton, going through the motions, smiling, talking, functioning. Inside I feel numb. As if someone has scooped out the middle of me, all the bits that make me ME, with a spoon.

If someone touches me or even speaks to me with kindness, with anything other than a random contact, it is as if they are pressing on a bruise. As well as the numbness, there is the anger. The only way I can describe it is that I feel spiritually bereft. If a benevolent moving moral force DOES exist in any form in the universe, how can it have allowed all these things to happen to us in the last year? Blow after blow after blow? What did Eleanor do to deserve being that sick? 

B says, perhaps all these things would have happened anyway and the force for good that we both believe normally looks after us has done it's best to mitigate them for us. Perhaps that's true.

But at the moment, I just can't see it.

15 comments:

  1. Oh Ally

    (((((hug)))))

    I think taking it a day at a time, and giving some yourself time to absorb and process all the stuff which has happened in the last week/month/year...

    is probably going to take a bit more time...

    You are doing well...don't EVER forget it...

    Cw xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Ally

    (((((hug)))))

    I think taking it a day at a time, and giving some yourself time to absorb and process all the stuff which has happened in the last week/month/year...

    is probably going to take a bit more time...

    You are doing well...don't EVER forget it...

    Cw xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Whatever benevolent force there is to help, it doesn't stop dreadful things happening. You've had an appalling year and you've coped incredibly - to think you've doubted your strength! You're a wonderful and resilient woman and you'll come through this.

    I think going through the motions is fine (and good that you can). Don't think too much, just deal with the practical things that you have to and hold on to your family.

    Love and best wishes, dear Ally.

    Zxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Whatever benevolent force there is to help, it doesn't stop dreadful things happening. You've had an appalling year and you've coped incredibly - to think you've doubted your strength! You're a wonderful and resilient woman and you'll come through this.

    I think going through the motions is fine (and good that you can). Don't think too much, just deal with the practical things that you have to and hold on to your family.

    Love and best wishes, dear Ally.

    Zxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. No praise or soft words here, keep that frog in your throat and don't let him out - he might mess the carpet or break something.


    Lucky little git...
    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=AI2k6aseNqg

    ReplyDelete
  6. No praise or soft words here, keep that frog in your throat and don't let him out - he might mess the carpet or break something.


    Lucky little git...
    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=AI2k6aseNqg

    ReplyDelete
  7. awe shit, ally. I don't believe in 'god' as such, but I do believe in those footprints in the sand. How else could any of us keep going in the light of what you've all been through. You will just keep in there, ally, because you are So Strong.
    Brave people are still scared, you know?
    lots of love and hugs to you in this shit, scary time xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  8. awe shit, ally. I don't believe in 'god' as such, but I do believe in those footprints in the sand. How else could any of us keep going in the light of what you've all been through. You will just keep in there, ally, because you are So Strong.
    Brave people are still scared, you know?
    lots of love and hugs to you in this shit, scary time xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. It is only later that you realize how strong you have become. There are many cliches: the steel tempered in the fire, the trees that bend in the wind, etc. My favorite is from Khalil Gibran: your sorrow hollows you out so you can hold more joy.

    You have been magnificent. Eleanor will not remember on a concious level how sick she was, but it may make her a gentler, more appreciative soul in the long run. And you and B and Leo, too, will unconciously give thanks every day that you can eat and smile and hug and share burdens. Even when you are only going through the motions.

    If you talk to Ma, please tell her I am thinking about her, as well. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has grown to love your whole family.

    Hang in there, Ally. Your YOU will come back, and you will like her even more.

    ReplyDelete
  10. It is only later that you realize how strong you have become. There are many cliches: the steel tempered in the fire, the trees that bend in the wind, etc. My favorite is from Khalil Gibran: your sorrow hollows you out so you can hold more joy.

    You have been magnificent. Eleanor will not remember on a concious level how sick she was, but it may make her a gentler, more appreciative soul in the long run. And you and B and Leo, too, will unconciously give thanks every day that you can eat and smile and hug and share burdens. Even when you are only going through the motions.

    If you talk to Ma, please tell her I am thinking about her, as well. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has grown to love your whole family.

    Hang in there, Ally. Your YOU will come back, and you will like her even more.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Like I said on Jo's blog, some of us have had an awfully shitty year, and thank GOD it's almost over.. As you know, she's another person that's been through the ringer this year.

    I'm glad Eleanor's ok now. That's the main thing. You too. You will be.

    And being drunk occasionally DOES help. I'm convinced of that. Maybe not at the time, but... I think in the long run it does help us get things out of our system a bit.

    I know that feeling that kindness makes it all worse sometimes. But that kindness massages the bruises away, heals them, doesn't make them worse.

    As for God, I think God is what gave Ma the smarts to notice what was going on with your girl, and the ability to help and keep her here.

    I think you're awfully f*cking brave to write about all this.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Like I said on Jo's blog, some of us have had an awfully shitty year, and thank GOD it's almost over.. As you know, she's another person that's been through the ringer this year.

    I'm glad Eleanor's ok now. That's the main thing. You too. You will be.

    And being drunk occasionally DOES help. I'm convinced of that. Maybe not at the time, but... I think in the long run it does help us get things out of our system a bit.

    I know that feeling that kindness makes it all worse sometimes. But that kindness massages the bruises away, heals them, doesn't make them worse.

    As for God, I think God is what gave Ma the smarts to notice what was going on with your girl, and the ability to help and keep her here.

    I think you're awfully f*cking brave to write about all this.

    ReplyDelete