Monday, 13 October 2008

wave


Did I mention the waves of not-copingness?

We've had a letter from the mortgage people today, saying that we ARE still liable for the mortgage. Technically, this is true. However, once the house is sold, any credit or deficit gets wound up in the bankcruptcy, so actually, it's NOT true.

If that makes sense?

Anyway. It was a rather officiously worded letter and it knocked us both for six.

Leo has been crying all day. Or at least, it seems like it. B and I have both been doing our fair share, too. Sometimes it all gets too much.

Leo has also developed a really yackky discharge from his right eye. I am hoping it isn't something horrible he picked up from crawling around the floor in the hospital waiting room yesterday whilst B chatted to his mother.

Oh, yes, B's mother.

After a couple of weeks of increasingly bonkers text messages, we decided to confront the issue. We met her at the hospital yesterday at a time of our choosing and she got to see Leo and meet Eleanor. She was offensively tactile with me, which I bore with gritted teeth rather than make a scene; and she didn't bring up any of the awkward subjects that we didn't want to discuss, either. Clearly we are all going to ignore what happened and move swiftly on. She thinks.

However, she let Leo crawl around on the floor. Also, she went in to what I can only describe as 'Dickensian Liverpudlian Mode', which involved much wringing of hands and repetition of phrases such as 'Ooooooh, the poor little mite' and 'Awwwww, the poor little thing ....'. I felt that if she had been wearing an apron, she'd have been throwing it over her head and wailing. It took a huge effort on my part not to poke her in the eye.

Being a good Liverpudlian, she will probably start a public appeal, based in cloying sentiment.

'Bring Little Eleanor Home To Merseyside' or 'She Needs To Be With Her Family ...'. The tune will, obviously, be 'Ferry Across The Mersey'; and Gerry and the Pacemakers and Cilla Black will be wheeled out to do a piece in The Echo about their horrible experiences of Special Care Baby Units outside the city. There will be badges, flags on sticks to put in your garden and car stickers. There will be a momentary flood of interest and then the public gaze will move on to the next footballer to break someone's nose on a night out; and that will be that.

Anyway.

Eleanor is a lot better. Her lungs are clear. They have taken her off the antibiotics and the drip; and the canula is out completely. This morning she took most of a whole bottle, sucking. This is an ENORMOUS step towards her coming home. They were going to alternate tube feeds and sucking feeds today so that she doesn't get too tired. And then move on to full sucking feeds tomorrow or the next day. We are not sure whether she will be able to breastfeed - it requires a stronger suck, which might cause her breathing problems. But I am expressing with my electric pump like mad (who knew you could milk both your boobs at once?) and we can always freeze or refrigerate the stuff and give it to her by bottle.

B is working tomorrow and Leo is at nursery. I don't think I am going to go to the hospital by myself - it's quite a long drive and I am still getting very tired in the afternoons. On Wednesday we have arranged to borrow a Lovely Friend's trailer (and possibly the Lovely Friend, too) and get the rest of the stuff out of the old house. And then the Bastard Mortgage People can have the keys back and it will all be done.

I am exhausted. B is exhausted. We are both literally running on empty and it is sheer luck that up until today we have each had a miniscule amount in reserve at alternate times to help each other. That's gone now. We are coping somehow. And we are putting on a cheery face for the outside world. But neither of us know quite how and I suspect that inside, he is screaming as loudly as I am.




16 comments:

  1. You're doing well, really well. Reserves regenerate, all you have to do is get through each hour as it comes and you will cope with the next. It'll get better, truly.

    For a start, Eleanor is better. Hold on to that as a great blessing, be kind to yourself and trust yourself to carry on coping. You're putting on a cheery face to the outside world? Bless you, Ally and B, you are wonderful.

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  2. You're doing well, really well. Reserves regenerate, all you have to do is get through each hour as it comes and you will cope with the next. It'll get better, truly.

    For a start, Eleanor is better. Hold on to that as a great blessing, be kind to yourself and trust yourself to carry on coping. You're putting on a cheery face to the outside world? Bless you, Ally and B, you are wonderful.

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  3. Wow. I just checked in from far away MN, as I tend to do every once in a while (feeling a bit like a voyeur, sorry). I want to send good wishes and healing energy to everyone, for what that's worth!

    You are dealing with SO MUCH; you are so strong. Best wishes.

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  4. Wow. I just checked in from far away MN, as I tend to do every once in a while (feeling a bit like a voyeur, sorry). I want to send good wishes and healing energy to everyone, for what that's worth!

    You are dealing with SO MUCH; you are so strong. Best wishes.

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  5. sorry, but I had to giggle at the liverpudlian bits *screech*
    you're doing it, the pair of you, and z's right - Eleanor is better, phew!
    Big hugs, and you are so right not to drive to the hospital on your own - er how long is it since you gave birth now? point made. Karen xxxx

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  6. sorry, but I had to giggle at the liverpudlian bits *screech*
    you're doing it, the pair of you, and z's right - Eleanor is better, phew!
    Big hugs, and you are so right not to drive to the hospital on your own - er how long is it since you gave birth now? point made. Karen xxxx

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  7. Well done on every hour that you all get through. Hopefully, one of them will suddenly be easier, allowing you all to recharge a bit.

    And huge congratulations on the restraint shown in not poking B's mother in the eye. I'm not sure, under the same circumstances, that I could have risen that high!

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  8. Well done on every hour that you all get through. Hopefully, one of them will suddenly be easier, allowing you all to recharge a bit.

    And huge congratulations on the restraint shown in not poking B's mother in the eye. I'm not sure, under the same circumstances, that I could have risen that high!

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  9. “There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”
    Washington Irving

    I found comfort and strength in this in difficult hours. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and wishes that it will become easier and that Eleanor grows stronger each passing hour.

    Best Wishes,
    christine

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  10. “There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”
    Washington Irving

    I found comfort and strength in this in difficult hours. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and wishes that it will become easier and that Eleanor grows stronger each passing hour.

    Best Wishes,
    christine

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  11. Eleanor?! I have been away way too long so I guess this is your daughter.... mega congratulations. But it sounds like so much is happening over your way and once again will look back to see what happened to Eleanor. Lovely name by the way.

    So very sorry to hear that bankruptcy is where it ended up.

    Huge hugs x

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  12. Eleanor?! I have been away way too long so I guess this is your daughter.... mega congratulations. But it sounds like so much is happening over your way and once again will look back to see what happened to Eleanor. Lovely name by the way.

    So very sorry to hear that bankruptcy is where it ended up.

    Huge hugs x

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  13. I am trying really hard to get worried and concerned about things for you, but it just won't work. I just can't believe that these are things to be worried about. Its almost like "Ellie knows what she's doing", like its all part of some bigger blessing.
    Good things afoot.

    Oh and banks are always rude; the standard 'we want our money' letters are all deliberately written to scare the most hard-nosed liars, and who cares if the vitriol crushes the innocent. Hugs about that. They suck.

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  14. I am trying really hard to get worried and concerned about things for you, but it just won't work. I just can't believe that these are things to be worried about. Its almost like "Ellie knows what she's doing", like its all part of some bigger blessing.
    Good things afoot.

    Oh and banks are always rude; the standard 'we want our money' letters are all deliberately written to scare the most hard-nosed liars, and who cares if the vitriol crushes the innocent. Hugs about that. They suck.

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  15. Aw, love.. Here's a bit of love and energy at you, to top your reserve up a bit.. Hugs!! Sit still for a moment, and breathe it in.

    Oh, I know, those dramatic mothers are a drain, aren't they? Sorry you're going through that on top of everything else. I think I'd have gone for a poke in the eye.. Good for you being so restrained.

    Glad Eleanor is doing better.. That's fantastic.

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  16. Aw, love.. Here's a bit of love and energy at you, to top your reserve up a bit.. Hugs!! Sit still for a moment, and breathe it in.

    Oh, I know, those dramatic mothers are a drain, aren't they? Sorry you're going through that on top of everything else. I think I'd have gone for a poke in the eye.. Good for you being so restrained.

    Glad Eleanor is doing better.. That's fantastic.

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