Tuesday, 10 June 2008

more


Oh for goodness sake.

I had a phone call from a very good friend this morning, one of the people who will be coming to Somerset next weekend to stand as sponsor for Leo.

Kate phoned her yesterday. Ostensibly to order some aromatherapy products. But also to have a good chatter about The Situation.

I am not really angry. Just speechless.

They don't know each other - they've only met a couple of times. My friend, of course, is deeply not wanting to get stuck in the middle of our family silliness. Quite rightly. (*waves, apologetically*). She is now in a really invidious situation; and so this has, also of course, had the effect of cutting off one of the people I can talk to about this, who I know would speak good sense..

Actually, strike that about not being angry, please. I am absolutely fucking fuming.

Who the HELL does Kate think she is? She is flailing around, making life harder for B and I, doing a 'poor me I don't know what went on, I'm so upset' to anyone and everyone who will listen to her; and trying to use other people to manipulate us in to doing what she wants - which seems to be continue as if nothing has happened. Instead of doing what B asked her to do when he emailed her; which is think about what happened and what he said to her in response to the letter she sent us; so we can all process the situation and talk about it rationally.

This is my line in the sand.

I am not being pressured, manipulated, pushed around or emotionally blackmailed by ANYONE. The more she pushes, the more I am unable to come forward to meet her half way. I just can't do it.

I was going to email her some photos I'd taken at the weekend of Leo in the garden, as a kind of peace-offering. But I just can't, now. I can't go back to having all those doors open and her walking in and stamping all over our life as if it was okay.

I can't have her approaching my family and friends one by one, trying to get them to act as a mediator for her, or on her side, or whatever it is that she is trying to achieve. I was dealing with this quite well. But I feel that my 'safe' circle of space is being gradually eroded. Because Kate spoke to my mother, every time I have a phone call with Ma, I have a lecture about 'how you should make it up because Kate is so upset'. Is this going to happen gradually with *all* my friends and family?

What should I do, then?


20 comments:

  1. Oooooh I am in a kind of similar situation. Do you go to tabloid war? They will lobby people with their story so you feel you have to put your side and all that happens is that everyone is shown at their worst and everyone else feels like they're entitled to make judgements. Talks are the only solution, I suspect, but that is very easy to say.

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  2. Oooooh I am in a kind of similar situation. Do you go to tabloid war? They will lobby people with their story so you feel you have to put your side and all that happens is that everyone is shown at their worst and everyone else feels like they're entitled to make judgements. Talks are the only solution, I suspect, but that is very easy to say.

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  3. Poor Ally! This is much worse than my ex MIL who would look in the closets, drawers, under the bed and tell everyone what a mess they all were. She didn't like the way I raised the kids, either, but I only had to see her once or twice a year.

    Maybe you could do a compromise: send the pictures with a little note that says you appreciate her, her advice (I didn't say you had to be honest) and her relationship with Leo, but of course you and B have to make the final decision about your children, just as she did with hers. And it makes you really, really uncomfortable when she discusses your differing points of view with your friends and family.

    Bear in mind, it's a lot easier to give advice like this than to actually do it...

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  4. Poor Ally! This is much worse than my ex MIL who would look in the closets, drawers, under the bed and tell everyone what a mess they all were. She didn't like the way I raised the kids, either, but I only had to see her once or twice a year.

    Maybe you could do a compromise: send the pictures with a little note that says you appreciate her, her advice (I didn't say you had to be honest) and her relationship with Leo, but of course you and B have to make the final decision about your children, just as she did with hers. And it makes you really, really uncomfortable when she discusses your differing points of view with your friends and family.

    Bear in mind, it's a lot easier to give advice like this than to actually do it...

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  5. Oh dear, poor you. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share and make it all better but I am just about as speechless as you are.

    Instead, I offer to think good thoughts and send them your way.

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  6. Oh dear, poor you. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share and make it all better but I am just about as speechless as you are.

    Instead, I offer to think good thoughts and send them your way.

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  7. I think Kate has gone off the deep end. You should worry about you and B and the kids and let Kate get over it. I also suggest taking the high road. And by that I don't mean giving in. Just not sinking to her level. Maybe you can pas her off as the crazy relative.

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  8. I think Kate has gone off the deep end. You should worry about you and B and the kids and let Kate get over it. I also suggest taking the high road. And by that I don't mean giving in. Just not sinking to her level. Maybe you can pas her off as the crazy relative.

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  9. ey mite has it right. , but stick to your guns, Leo is your son. You get to bring him up.

    end of

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  10. ey mite has it right. , but stick to your guns, Leo is your son. You get to bring him up.

    end of

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  11. Wow, I have some catching up to do by the sound of it! What on earth is she up to Ally?

    I'm so sorry, what ever it is.. She sounds like she's being REALLY helpful. Jesus.

    I'm glad you're standing your ground, you're Leo's mother, not her! But Star is right, take that high road, and don't sink into doing anything she can hold against you later.

    Ugh, I'm so sorry!! What a sucky situation.. I'll go now and read a bit more about what ever it is she's done.

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  12. Wow, I have some catching up to do by the sound of it! What on earth is she up to Ally?

    I'm so sorry, what ever it is.. She sounds like she's being REALLY helpful. Jesus.

    I'm glad you're standing your ground, you're Leo's mother, not her! But Star is right, take that high road, and don't sink into doing anything she can hold against you later.

    Ugh, I'm so sorry!! What a sucky situation.. I'll go now and read a bit more about what ever it is she's done.

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  13. Does no one say to Kate, "You should make it up, because Ally is so upset"? After all, you are the pregnant one who should be saved from as much stress as possible!

    I agree with mitey mite, too, particularly the "but of course" part.

    I really hope this gets better soon for you.

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  14. Does no one say to Kate, "You should make it up, because Ally is so upset"? After all, you are the pregnant one who should be saved from as much stress as possible!

    I agree with mitey mite, too, particularly the "but of course" part.

    I really hope this gets better soon for you.

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  15. that opinionated card reader xxx10 June 2008 at 20:53

    It took me years to work out that my mother didn't simply assume I was always to blame / always in the wrong / always the failure.
    In truth she decided (without telling me - I mean whilst telling me the opposite) that I was the strongest, brainiest, most indestructible amazon who needed to pity mere mortals.
    She made me feel completely rejected because she actually looked up to me. It never crossed her mind I would have anything but disdain for the opposition so took it upon herself to educate me about compassion.
    Not really very helpful when the insecure little girl inside neeeeds her mum.
    But you didn't need to know that.

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  16. that opinionated card reader xxx10 June 2008 at 20:53

    It took me years to work out that my mother didn't simply assume I was always to blame / always in the wrong / always the failure.
    In truth she decided (without telling me - I mean whilst telling me the opposite) that I was the strongest, brainiest, most indestructible amazon who needed to pity mere mortals.
    She made me feel completely rejected because she actually looked up to me. It never crossed her mind I would have anything but disdain for the opposition so took it upon herself to educate me about compassion.
    Not really very helpful when the insecure little girl inside neeeeds her mum.
    But you didn't need to know that.

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  17. I think you should do nothing. This is for B to deal with; Kate's his mother. If she's now trying to tell people that she wasn't invited or was excluded from the celebration, he should remind her that she was always welcome, but has to accept the ceremony as you have both decided to arrange it. If he does this, he has to make it 100% clear that he and you are united here, Ally, so that it really dawns on her that she's in danger of losing the relationship she has with her son as well as his family. Phone is better than email if this conversation happens as she can't get carried away with dramatic or else sanctimonious rhetoric, and has to reply to what he says, and hear the tone of his voice.

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  18. I think you should do nothing. This is for B to deal with; Kate's his mother. If she's now trying to tell people that she wasn't invited or was excluded from the celebration, he should remind her that she was always welcome, but has to accept the ceremony as you have both decided to arrange it. If he does this, he has to make it 100% clear that he and you are united here, Ally, so that it really dawns on her that she's in danger of losing the relationship she has with her son as well as his family. Phone is better than email if this conversation happens as she can't get carried away with dramatic or else sanctimonious rhetoric, and has to reply to what he says, and hear the tone of his voice.

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  19. As Z says, what Kate has to realise is that she will be the loser. No matter how many people she whines to, whether they agree with her (or say they do just to shut her up) she is damaging her relationship with B and ultimately stands to lose you all.
    And sanbreakity is also spot on - you're the one who's pregnant and doesn't need stress - frankly your mother should be supporting you and telling Kate that, not the other way round!

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  20. As Z says, what Kate has to realise is that she will be the loser. No matter how many people she whines to, whether they agree with her (or say they do just to shut her up) she is damaging her relationship with B and ultimately stands to lose you all.
    And sanbreakity is also spot on - you're the one who's pregnant and doesn't need stress - frankly your mother should be supporting you and telling Kate that, not the other way round!

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