Saturday, 5 April 2008

oh bollocks


Things are marginally less stressful business-wise - the accountant reckons that we can keep trading. And he has worked out that actually, we should be claiming the maximum in Tax Credits, which is a huge relief. All our creditors are prepared to take staged payments and have been lovely. We are not out of the woods; but at least the trees have stopped falling.

However, in the interim, I think it's fair to say that I am a bit under the weather. I reckon that my new tablets aren't balanced very well. About mid afternoon the world seems to fall apart - I can't make decisions, I can't stop crying, I can't look after the baby.

Not ideal.

I have a appointments with both the midwife and the GP this week, so it's a case of hanging in there until then. The rest of the time I am more or less coping, the usual pregnancy-nausea and tiredness aside - although some of the time I am screaming inside. We went for a baby-scan yesterday - we have a due date of 7th October, which is what we thought ourselves. But I couldn't get excited about seeing the baby. I just felt exhausted and defeated and as if it's just another thing I have to cope with, that really, I don't want.

I do realise that this is not a 'normal' reaction and is because my brain chemistry is out of whack. But it's not great. I don't want to be left alone with Leo. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to think. All I want to do is go to sleep and not have to wake up.

Yesterday, B and a lovely friend took the beehives over to their new home - they are going to live in another friend's field about five miles away. This is great, as it means that we have more space in our garden. Also, the friend has a couple of hives herself and she and I can help each other out with them.

Today we have some more lovely friends here helping us to move chicken houses and put up sheds. That will mean that all the kibble in the end part of the house can come out, and that part of the house can then be incorporated in to a self-contained bedroom/flat that we can rent out. B's mum and dad are lending us the money to move forward with that, to give us more income whilst the business recovers.

So everything is in train.

It's just, why do I feel so bad? I don't feel like a person - I feel like I'm being a terrible mother, a pretty bad wife and not a person at all. Just a lump of exhaustion.

It's not ideal.

Oh. And I have SPD again. It's worse than last time - but I have been taking tips from Kitchen Witch about managing it and have ordered some scary reinforced underwear which should help. In the meantime, anything which involved me putting my knees more than about a foot apart (stairs, walking, turning over in bed, er ... EVERYTHING) is Very Bad News Indeed.

I'm going for a sleep now.

12 comments:

  1. You're going to get sick of me doing this before long but...
    *hugs*

    Hang in there, babe. All I can do is offer sympathy, words of support and all the virtual goodies you can cope with.

    When I find that Magic Lantern there's my first wish taken care of...

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're going to get sick of me doing this before long but...
    *hugs*

    Hang in there, babe. All I can do is offer sympathy, words of support and all the virtual goodies you can cope with.

    When I find that Magic Lantern there's my first wish taken care of...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Actually, Ally, I think that it's a completely normal reaction. I don't know how you cope as well as you do, and I know damn well I couldn't ever have. You are so strong that you don't even realise it, but what you've been going through would have exhausted anyone, mentally and physically.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Actually, Ally, I think that it's a completely normal reaction. I don't know how you cope as well as you do, and I know damn well I couldn't ever have. You are so strong that you don't even realise it, but what you've been going through would have exhausted anyone, mentally and physically.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You wonder why you feel so bad????

    Try and step outside of yourself and re-read what you write .... and I bet you haven't written the half of it?

    No wonder you feel so cr*p and also unexcited about your pregnancy... you do have a lot on your plate. Rather too much.

    But hold in there. These are the endurance medals we earn in life and why older people can turn around and say that they've been there and done that. You'll be able to do it in spadefuls.

    ((Hugs and best wishes))

    ReplyDelete
  6. You wonder why you feel so bad????

    Try and step outside of yourself and re-read what you write .... and I bet you haven't written the half of it?

    No wonder you feel so cr*p and also unexcited about your pregnancy... you do have a lot on your plate. Rather too much.

    But hold in there. These are the endurance medals we earn in life and why older people can turn around and say that they've been there and done that. You'll be able to do it in spadefuls.

    ((Hugs and best wishes))

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sweetie, I had SPD with my second pregnancy. Make sure and tell your GP you have it and ask for physiotherapy. They won't want to give it to you until after the baby is born, but try and press for it. I didn't get any help during my pregnancy, and could barely walk with the recurrance during my 3rd pregnancy. AND because I didn't get any help then, either, apart from a support thing I bought myself, three years on, I still have it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sweetie, I had SPD with my second pregnancy. Make sure and tell your GP you have it and ask for physiotherapy. They won't want to give it to you until after the baby is born, but try and press for it. I didn't get any help during my pregnancy, and could barely walk with the recurrance during my 3rd pregnancy. AND because I didn't get any help then, either, apart from a support thing I bought myself, three years on, I still have it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm not surprised you feel exhausted. Don't be too hard on yourself. Rest if you must. Often pop in but not sure if I've left a comment before. Keep your chin up! Hugs. Flick x

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm not surprised you feel exhausted. Don't be too hard on yourself. Rest if you must. Often pop in but not sure if I've left a comment before. Keep your chin up! Hugs. Flick x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hello - I am 'Tea and Cake' Karen's daughter, Claire, I just popped on to let you know of a useful website:

    www.pelvic-partnership.org.uk

    I also had SPD (and still have it!) You can take co-codamol but only if you want to. It does help.

    Take care and keep them knees together! ;o) x

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hello - I am 'Tea and Cake' Karen's daughter, Claire, I just popped on to let you know of a useful website:

    www.pelvic-partnership.org.uk

    I also had SPD (and still have it!) You can take co-codamol but only if you want to. It does help.

    Take care and keep them knees together! ;o) x

    ReplyDelete