Tuesday, 29 April 2008

monitor


I am so ashamed. For no good reason, really.

As part of my 'getting to grips with things' approach recently, I asked the GP if there was any help available from the Community Psychiatric Team. They offer CBT and that kind of thing, which I have found very helpful in the past and which B and I felt might help me with a bit of extra support now.

However, instead of offering me anything like that, I was given an appointment with a psychiatrist. It's peculiar, isn't it? I am happy with the idea of seeing a psychologist for talking-type therapies and I refuse to be stigmatised because I am suffering from depression. But being referred to a psychiatrist makes me feel dirty and ashamed and very, very scared.

I know that this probably comes from the period in my teens when I suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome and as a family we/I were/was referred for all sorts of bizarre and positively damaging 'family therapies' and psychiatry, which were no help at all. And I was repeatedly told by my family that if I didn't 'pull myself together' then the psychiatric people would 'lock me away'.

But, unusually for me even knowing all of this, is not allowing me to rationalise my emotions away.

We went to the appointment yesterday to see what help they felt they could offer me. I was extremely reluctant to go and literally had nightmares all weekend about being trapped and needing to escape from places*.

The young woman that we saw (B came with me) took a case-history for about an hour and then announced that she would want to see me after my twenty week scan to check that the medication is not affecting the baby; and periodically after that to 'monitor my condition'.

Pointless. Time wasting. Bollocks.

The GP is 'monitoring' me.

The Health Visitor is 'monitoring' me.

The Midwife-with-six-organic-compost-heaps is 'monitoring' me.

The Sweary Obstretician is 'monitoring' me.

Over the last week I feel** as if I have spent more time attending and travelling to and from doctor's appointments that I have at home; and it's making me very, very stressed. Absolutely the last f-ing thing I need is yet another person 'monitoring' me. Particularly since all the people at the baby-end of things are perfectly happy with the very-incredibly-startlingly-low possibility that the low dose of escitalopram might-may-possibly not-yet-be-proven to be safe for pregnant people in the producing-a-baby-with-fins department because it hasn't been around for long enough.

I feel truly fucked about by them all and I am not going to see the psychiatrist again. I have also cancelled my 'monitoring' appointment with the GP and am not going to make another one unless I actually need some help.

Because, you know what? B and I are 'monitoring' me, too.

For today, slightly irritably, that is all. Next post - something not related to babies, pregnancy or depression, as even I'm getting bored by it all now and everyone else has probably nodded off.


* And about human-sized badgers dressed in plate armour and wielding broad-swords, oddly.
** Unreasonably.

15 comments:

  1. We aren't nodding off, darling. We're on your side. I do wish that you truly recognised how strong and splendid you are - you're a better woman than I am, for sure.

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  2. We aren't nodding off, darling. We're on your side. I do wish that you truly recognised how strong and splendid you are - you're a better woman than I am, for sure.

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  3. LOL not nodded off at all - just bloody relieved it ain't me doing that all.

    But what a flaming disappointment that when it comes down to it, the support is not quite what it could be. All this monitoring for what? At what point does something being monitored become something that is helped? It's enough to make you angry and pull your boot straps up and get the h*ll out of there .... which pretty much sounds like what you have done. So you see, all that monitoring has helped and you no longer have a problem. IYSWIM!

    I should have tagged you the other day for a diversion. You could still do it?

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  4. LOL not nodded off at all - just bloody relieved it ain't me doing that all.

    But what a flaming disappointment that when it comes down to it, the support is not quite what it could be. All this monitoring for what? At what point does something being monitored become something that is helped? It's enough to make you angry and pull your boot straps up and get the h*ll out of there .... which pretty much sounds like what you have done. So you see, all that monitoring has helped and you no longer have a problem. IYSWIM!

    I should have tagged you the other day for a diversion. You could still do it?

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  5. Don't forget the d word is how I found you in the first place - trust you and B to know what's best and try and remember we love you.

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  6. Don't forget the d word is how I found you in the first place - trust you and B to know what's best and try and remember we love you.

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  7. What everybody else said, especially Z. You're definitely a better woman than I am!

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  8. What everybody else said, especially Z. You're definitely a better woman than I am!

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  9. I'm not nodding off, I'm on your side. Monitoring is a form of support. It gives you the opportunity to speak to a professional if you want it. But it's great you are feeling strong enough to get cross about it all. Try to chill a bit though sweetie. For baby? Love and hugs Flick x

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  10. I'm not nodding off, I'm on your side. Monitoring is a form of support. It gives you the opportunity to speak to a professional if you want it. But it's great you are feeling strong enough to get cross about it all. Try to chill a bit though sweetie. For baby? Love and hugs Flick x

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  11. Monitoring is a compliment.
    It says "your troubles are real; real enough to take our attention when the services are overstretched, please know you are validated".
    It also says "however there is no way you qualify for a stretcher or a nice warm room in the loony bin and, given how crap life is for you right now, you are actually bearing up really well."

    I haven't touched the tarot for AGES but I read this and found the pack, in a very blase, unspiritual way.

    For you I drew the four of cups.

    Bloody typical; like tell us something we don't know, already. LOL!

    :-) <---- big cheesy grin just for you. Mrs Panto - look out, its behind you!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Monitoring is a compliment.
    It says "your troubles are real; real enough to take our attention when the services are overstretched, please know you are validated".
    It also says "however there is no way you qualify for a stretcher or a nice warm room in the loony bin and, given how crap life is for you right now, you are actually bearing up really well."

    I haven't touched the tarot for AGES but I read this and found the pack, in a very blase, unspiritual way.

    For you I drew the four of cups.

    Bloody typical; like tell us something we don't know, already. LOL!

    :-) <---- big cheesy grin just for you. Mrs Panto - look out, its behind you!

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  13. Wow! You still blog! Nice.

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  14. ALLY!! You have NOTHING to be ashamed about!!! Jesus, woman.

    Sh*t happens, and people in authority don't deal well with it when they're supposed to, and it's a sad thing. And not your FAULT. They're the ones who should feel it's anybody's fault, not you.

    I've had similar happen to me, I had that in my early 20's and got told much the same bullsh*t by my doctor, who did more harm than good. I haven't been to a regular doctor since then.
    You are not a f*ck up, you're full of hormones. That's enough to make anybody feel a bit blue once in a while.
    I'd like to give you a mantra to repeat, ok? 'I am not to blame'. Say often, until that epiphany happens for real, and you really grok that!!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  15. ALLY!! You have NOTHING to be ashamed about!!! Jesus, woman.

    Sh*t happens, and people in authority don't deal well with it when they're supposed to, and it's a sad thing. And not your FAULT. They're the ones who should feel it's anybody's fault, not you.

    I've had similar happen to me, I had that in my early 20's and got told much the same bullsh*t by my doctor, who did more harm than good. I haven't been to a regular doctor since then.
    You are not a f*ck up, you're full of hormones. That's enough to make anybody feel a bit blue once in a while.
    I'd like to give you a mantra to repeat, ok? 'I am not to blame'. Say often, until that epiphany happens for real, and you really grok that!!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete