It sounds overly dramatic, I know; but I just feel like I can't go on coping with everything. Not in an 'ending it all by jumping off a cliff' kind of way, I hasten to add* - but in a "bloody HELL, why am I spending all my time doing all these things that mean that my life is full of stress" kind of way.
I am not enjoying the baby.
Not because he is not enjoyable and not because I don't love him to bits. But because I don't have TIME to enjoy him. I am so stressed about sorting out the renovations to the house, keeping on top of the accounts, chasing payments, issuing invoices, getting together marketing material and worrying about money - the 'survival things' - that I don't have time for the fun stuff.
Playing with him. Enjoying bathing him. Taking him for walks. And I don't have time for myself. I don't have time to sort out the garden. Look after the chickens properly. Take care of the bees. To read. To spend time with B.
All parents have limitations on their time. Of course they do. And I know that many parents hold down a stressful job or run a stressful business whilst being parents.
But I can't do it any more.
We live in a lovely place. We have a big mortgage to enable us to do that.
I want a smaller mortgage. And I want more time. More time with B - who is fed up with working away so much, too - more time with Leo, more time in the garden. I feel like I am not living, that I am just surviving. B is the centre of my life; and currently, we spend more apart than we do together.
Ma says that I should pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with things and that everyone in business suffers this kind of reverse at one time or another. She's right. But you have to ask yourself, "is it worth it?". Is it worth the stress?
And to me, currently, it's not.
These people who are going in to administration owe us just over six thousand pounds. That is a considerable amount for us. More than half of that is owed to other people for kit hire and crew hire for those two jobs. So that is money that we have to find. Luckily our suppliers are prepared to take staged payments.
The shortfall means that we do not have enough money ourselves to convert the end of our house in to the self-contained flat that we were planning to rent out to take some of the financial pressure off of B - so he could spend more time at home.
And the thing that is making me most angry is that we have heard on the grapevine that at least one of the directors from the company has walked straight in to a partnership with someone else, still doing events. How can that be right? I know it's common - I'm not naive. But it is wrong.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know if either of us can bear to go through another attempt at moving house whilst pregnant. Especially not after we have spent the last six months putting our heart and soul in to making the house as we want it. But what else can we do? Less work, which we both want, means less money. Less money means needing to have fewer outgoings. Fewer outgoings means a small mortgage. A smaller mortgage means moving.
I am so confused and stressed. And distressed.
What should we do?
*Although sitting it a nice, dark wardrobe for a bit wrapped in a cuddly blanket might be nice.