It's been my third day and late night in the last fortnight without B being here.
I've coped okay up to now, if you discount the day he came home at 9.30pm and I insisted on taking L to the out of hours doctor's service because his breathing was rattling*.
Today, Mrs Doubtfire the Doula came for three hours this morning - she cleans the kitchen floor even if there's no mouse blood on it, did I say? And I went back to bed for a couple of hours sleep. I don't feel great in my head - hormones I think, but I do feel I'm struggling a bit.
I want to thank everyone who sent me information and experiences regarding breast-feeding. I would also like to say that I am really, really impressed with the service our local midwives offer - basically they have a twenty-four hour breast-feeding call-out service for the fortnight after you give birth. They are also linked to a La Leche group in Welshpool - I think that some of them must be La Leche trained as the implication is that they helped set up the group and mentored some of the women now running it.
Anyway, call me a wimp, but I have drawn a line under the boob-feeding. Not really for pain-related reasons, more for head-related reasons. L was taking so long to feed - basically latching on and then staying on for hours if I let him - and I was getting so wound up about it all, thinking I wasn't giving him enough to eat because he was crying all the time - that it was doing my mental health and well-being no good whatsoever.
I stuck it for nearly three weeks, so he's had a start from me, and now he's happily on the bottle and B and I are sharing the feeding, which is wonderful. Perhaps if/when we have another baby, it will go better. The health-care people we've been involved with - the consultant, the health-visitor, the midwives, the GP - have all been really, really supportive about our choices; and we are happy. I feel a bit guilty. But at the end of the day I need to do what is best for me; and this is it.
There are two things that I am unhappy about - i) the exhaustion. Hey, that's great, isn't it! And ii) the fact that everything seems to take four times longer than it used to. Partly due to i) the exhaustion. But it's all down to planning a bit better. Not a strong point of either B or me, as people who know us in real life (tm) will know.
I still haven't planted my winter lettuce, but I have pulled out half the tomatoes and have the green tomatoes sat in a bowl in the kitchen ready to make in to chutney. Tomorrow, we are taking L for his cranio-sacral appointment and then we are staying with Kate and Vic for the night. I am really nervous about it - not the actual staying over, staying with Ma was no problem at all - but because of the Kate-related trauma a couple of weeks ago.
I might go and make chutney now. L is sleeping. More after the weekend. If we survive.
* He was fine, just the echoing-baby-mucus-in-the-throat thing. On the other hand, the lovely out of hours doctor took one look at me, put her hand on my arm and said (imagine Irish accent) "And now my dear, what about you?" and I promptly burst in to tears.