The obstretician appointment went well, I think. I have slightly lowered iron levels and we discussed ways of dealing with them; and settled on having a go at the diet-method and seeing what happens. Spinach and beetroot, here I come. And, also, 'Good quality chocolate that is high in cocoa solids and the occasional glass of rich red wine, although of course we are not allowed to say that any more. So I'm not'. I think I love the obstretician.
Having said that though, so does B - on the way home from a VERY long lunch (The Oak, Welshpool again, GO THERE), he suddenly asked "Is it okay at this stage of your pregnancy to tell you that I find your obstretician hot?"*. We then bought two sun loungers (at half price!!!) from Woolworths, which I intend to spend the rest of the summer sitting on, languidly gestating.
I have also been doing some thinking in The Long Awake Reaches Of The Night (tm) - and I have concluded that some of the feelings around revulsion and rejection that I am having with this pregnancy date back a long way - all the way back sixteen years to what I think of as The Date Rape Issue.
Feelings of powerlessness, feelings of being invaded, feelings of rejecting what is happening. Not wanting to be examined or have the bump touched by anyone. Not wanting to be around other pregnant women who are enjoying their pregnancy. Fear that B will stop loving me and wanting me. Feelings of self-disgust. Fear of illness - I developed a really bad water infection after the incident which I didn't get treated because I couldn't, physically, make myself go to the doctor for quite a few days and the repercussions from which lasted for a while.
It's good that I've worked this out (Finally, doh! It's only taken seven months). But I now need to find a way to work with all these feelings, because I will be DAMNED if I will let one stupid, irresponsible, selfish guy from nearly twenty years ago fuck up my relationship with both my husband and my baby. And with myself, of course.
Last year, ditdotdat left me a comment saying I possessed 'incandescent forthrightness'. I was really touched by the comment at the time, as it's something I pride myself on - and I see it as something one should apply to ones inner self as well as the world around one. But I'm a bit stumped this time.
What can I do to help myself? I have eight and a half weeks to form a relationship with this child that doesn't trigger hair-raising feelings of panic, depression and rejection. I know that the house-moving stress isn't helping; and that as I have never experienced pregnancy before I have all the insecurities of a first-time pregnant-person to work though, too. That's fine.
It's just that for a lot of the time, I am loathing being touched - B rubbing the bump sometimes relaxes me - but equally often it makes me grit my teeth and want to cry. Secretly, I slap the bump and hate it for making me feel so uncomfortable. At the weekend, I scratched my arms up with my fingernails, which is something I started doing after The Date Rape Incident, I guess to externalise the misery and pain I felt in my head. As a management tool it works relatively well in a very short-term way; but it's not ideal. I have spoken to the obstretician about it, and she didn't see it as a big problem - neither do I really, it's just a marker that I am not coping very well.
Writing about it helps, so that's good I suppose. And this morning I actually feel quite chipper. Perhaps, now I've acknowledged the cause of them, the feelings will go away on their own?
* We decided that it WAS okay, because it was her intelligence he was attracted to. But I reserve the right to irrationally change my mind at any point, if that's okay with everyone.