Monday, 2 April 2007

cushion the blow

So. I am still being sick.

Really sick.

Like 'stop the car, I need to vomit in the hedge' sick. 'Retching as I go to lie down in bed because I'm feeling sick' sick. 'Now we've finished shagging please pass the bowl because I'm going to throw up' sick. 'Please don't make me laugh, I'll chuck up' sick.

Isn't it weird that you can really, really want something and when you get it, it's not what you expected at all?

I don't seem to be able to stop crying and feeling bad; and people's positive "you'll start to feel SO much better soon, you'll be decorating the kitchen" - type chirpy remarks are not really helping. Or the "this is so wonderful for you and B, you must be delighted, it'll all be worth it in the end" -ones, either.

I resent the baby because it's making me feel so ill. It's all I can do to drag myself round and put clean pants on in the morning. Most of the time I'm not thinking about the baby, I'm thinking of what small tasks I need to complete in the next thirty minutes and whether I'll be able to accomplish them. And then I feel guilty because I am resenting the baby and perhaps if it knows I am resenting it, it'll pack up and leave and I'll have wished myself in to (another) miscarriage.

And I am constantly worrying about money - which is a whole other story that I am not going to go in to at the moment, except to say that it does make sense to move to a smaller house if we are not going to fill this one with an instant-ready-made adoptive family.

So, lots of positive trains of thought there, then.

Hormones suck.

Also, Simpkin has started bringing in dead rabbits.

Tomorrow: Something cheerful, that doesn't involve sick.

26 comments:

  1. Poor you :-( Don't feel bad about resenting the baby, if you feel like death warmed up it's hard to be enthusiastic. And you aren't the first to feel like that. Most women have the same feelings at some point, especially if the whole puking thing goes on and on, but they end up with beautiful, healthy babies. Trust me, I have that t-shirt!

    Have you told your GP about it? You might have some kind of underlying 'water-works' infection - they can make you feel really awful when you are pregnant.

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  2. Poor you :-( Don't feel bad about resenting the baby, if you feel like death warmed up it's hard to be enthusiastic. And you aren't the first to feel like that. Most women have the same feelings at some point, especially if the whole puking thing goes on and on, but they end up with beautiful, healthy babies. Trust me, I have that t-shirt!

    Have you told your GP about it? You might have some kind of underlying 'water-works' infection - they can make you feel really awful when you are pregnant.

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  3. and another 'Poor You' from me. Might be a good idea, like Kate says, to go to the doc.

    And, no you are Not unusual to resent the baby at all.

    ... gets cool cloth for your forehead

    there's not much more to say, unfortunately, other than to sympathise ... and throwing that shoe at me will help you, but not the 'puter! much hugs kaz xx

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  4. and another 'Poor You' from me. Might be a good idea, like Kate says, to go to the doc.

    And, no you are Not unusual to resent the baby at all.

    ... gets cool cloth for your forehead

    there's not much more to say, unfortunately, other than to sympathise ... and throwing that shoe at me will help you, but not the 'puter! much hugs kaz xx

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  5. I won't say anything perky and helpful because it might not help at all. We're all just here with you.

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  6. I won't say anything perky and helpful because it might not help at all. We're all just here with you.

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  7. Offers, sympathy, something bland which won't upset your system and a clean bowl just in case.

    What Kate said. It will pass, eventually.

    Try not to worry about the moolah - while you're as you are that's someone else's job. Is there anything you'd like me to worry about for you?

    *hugs*

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  8. Offers, sympathy, something bland which won't upset your system and a clean bowl just in case.

    What Kate said. It will pass, eventually.

    Try not to worry about the moolah - while you're as you are that's someone else's job. Is there anything you'd like me to worry about for you?

    *hugs*

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  9. You ARE absolutely sure its not twins?

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  10. Pregnancy is a bugger on occasion, even without constant sickness, and it's far worse if you feel ill almost all the time. I'm so sorry you're having a rotten time.

    Glad you've not completely lost your libido, at least.

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  11. Pregnancy is a bugger on occasion, even without constant sickness, and it's far worse if you feel ill almost all the time. I'm so sorry you're having a rotten time.

    Glad you've not completely lost your libido, at least.

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  12. Sick sucks!

    I think you more than deserve to feel mopey and hope you are treating yourself to things that do make you feel good (I won't pry....too much!!)

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  13. Sick sucks!

    I think you more than deserve to feel mopey and hope you are treating yourself to things that do make you feel good (I won't pry....too much!!)

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  14. No great chirpy homilies from me then!

    How about a sad sob story instead to show that it could be worse? Stuff it I don't need that either I hear you say ;-)

    It's a crap pregnancy so far. Some are. My first was brilliant. My second was shit. (Sad sob story warning coming up!) Plus I had been badly let down by the father; became homeless - my last visit to the hospital specialist was with carrier bags and my 3.5 year old in tow and the hospital social worker could do bugger all to help; I was very ill to the end with one thing and another; and then had a caesarian. During the pregnancy I swore I'd never have another baby it was that bad.

    On presentation of baby at the caesarian I bawled my eyes out and said I'd do it all again he was so wonderful.

    Your pregnancy may or may not get better but one day you really will get over this and I promise you will not hold it against your child!

    ((Hugs))

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  15. No great chirpy homilies from me then!

    How about a sad sob story instead to show that it could be worse? Stuff it I don't need that either I hear you say ;-)

    It's a crap pregnancy so far. Some are. My first was brilliant. My second was shit. (Sad sob story warning coming up!) Plus I had been badly let down by the father; became homeless - my last visit to the hospital specialist was with carrier bags and my 3.5 year old in tow and the hospital social worker could do bugger all to help; I was very ill to the end with one thing and another; and then had a caesarian. During the pregnancy I swore I'd never have another baby it was that bad.

    On presentation of baby at the caesarian I bawled my eyes out and said I'd do it all again he was so wonderful.

    Your pregnancy may or may not get better but one day you really will get over this and I promise you will not hold it against your child!

    ((Hugs))

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  16. I think I said to you ages ago that just because you're hugely chuffed at being pregnant doesn't mean that you can't be hugely pissed off about feeling so horrid - I'm sure that the baby isn't holding it against you, and at least you will have a lifetime's-worth of blackmail fodder for getting tea in bed etc. Hope you feel better soon; taking each half-hour as it comes sounds most sensible to me.

    If you want someone to bounce insane house-arrangements off, I hope you know by now that I am your woman. :)

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  17. I think I said to you ages ago that just because you're hugely chuffed at being pregnant doesn't mean that you can't be hugely pissed off about feeling so horrid - I'm sure that the baby isn't holding it against you, and at least you will have a lifetime's-worth of blackmail fodder for getting tea in bed etc. Hope you feel better soon; taking each half-hour as it comes sounds most sensible to me.

    If you want someone to bounce insane house-arrangements off, I hope you know by now that I am your woman. :)

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  18. Like Kitchen Witch said, some day you can tell the baby, "I went through hell to have you, the least you could do in return is go whack Rooster X with the broom handle for me!"

    Remember what they say, insanity is hereditary -- you get it from your kids. You're just getting an early start.:-)

    I really hope you feel better soon.

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  19. Like Kitchen Witch said, some day you can tell the baby, "I went through hell to have you, the least you could do in return is go whack Rooster X with the broom handle for me!"

    Remember what they say, insanity is hereditary -- you get it from your kids. You're just getting an early start.:-)

    I really hope you feel better soon.

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  20. Oh, Ally, try not to worry about money issues when you're feeling so crappy! Because if you ask me, the only thing worse than constant vomiting is surely moving house. (Although you can get friends to help with moving...not so much with vomiting.)

    I don't know much about pregnancy, but it does sound as though you're having an especially tough one. As stress relief, maybe you can think about what you'd do to Tom Cruise if he offered his "helpful" advice. ;-)

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  21. Oh, Ally, try not to worry about money issues when you're feeling so crappy! Because if you ask me, the only thing worse than constant vomiting is surely moving house. (Although you can get friends to help with moving...not so much with vomiting.)

    I don't know much about pregnancy, but it does sound as though you're having an especially tough one. As stress relief, maybe you can think about what you'd do to Tom Cruise if he offered his "helpful" advice. ;-)

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  22. Wifey was sick as a dog until 22 weeks then she was great up until 33 weeks and then felt just too big

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  23. Aw. That sucks. I'm sorry.

    Next time you throw up, just know we're all there with you, holding the bowl, and keeping your hair out of the way... So go lie down if you want to, and let somebody else worry about all the other stuff for you.

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  24. Aw. That sucks. I'm sorry.

    Next time you throw up, just know we're all there with you, holding the bowl, and keeping your hair out of the way... So go lie down if you want to, and let somebody else worry about all the other stuff for you.

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  25. Um, are you still being violently thrown from bucket to bucket by this double-triple dose of pregnancy hormones?

    Someone ought to mention (just in case theres any self castigation going on) that however much of a freaky ride it is, doing the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing is perfectly normal.

    80% of the stress and angst related to becoming stupid or aggressive or resentful or too giggly or slow or snappy or greedy or whatever the urges are, comes from trying to kick yourself at the same time. It comes from fighting it and saying 'this isnt me, I am supposed to be like such-and-such. Sod what you are 'meant to achieve'. You are pregnant. What you are meant to achieve is a baby and the rest will have to get used to being done (if and) when you are good and ready. Otherwise by someone else.

    All the brain changes are just chemicals doing their (temporary) thing, and doing it well.

    As to vomit - I used to have triggers. Morning break at work, the site of a cheese roll or a match (meaning someone was going to have a fag) were all I needed to have to run for it, but that was because I wanted those things myself and my body had other plans. It was like an SAS operation - "Quick guys, if her emotions peak at the sight of anything we dont want, boot the gag reflex and make her run the other way".

    Also, please be reminded, mummy, you are supposed to stay late in bed and munch cream crackers or Rich Teas or plain crisps until its safe to become upright. You are also meant to have a stash wherever you sit down. Official. Its just the way it is. Don't think of it as constantly stuffing your face on dry carbs. Think of it as preserving your teeth and your carpet from those big green acid burn holes as demonstrated by Mrs mummy monster in Alien.

    Right, fucking off and shutting up, now.

    Hugs. Delicately. xxxx

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  26. Um, are you still being violently thrown from bucket to bucket by this double-triple dose of pregnancy hormones?

    Someone ought to mention (just in case theres any self castigation going on) that however much of a freaky ride it is, doing the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing is perfectly normal.

    80% of the stress and angst related to becoming stupid or aggressive or resentful or too giggly or slow or snappy or greedy or whatever the urges are, comes from trying to kick yourself at the same time. It comes from fighting it and saying 'this isnt me, I am supposed to be like such-and-such. Sod what you are 'meant to achieve'. You are pregnant. What you are meant to achieve is a baby and the rest will have to get used to being done (if and) when you are good and ready. Otherwise by someone else.

    All the brain changes are just chemicals doing their (temporary) thing, and doing it well.

    As to vomit - I used to have triggers. Morning break at work, the site of a cheese roll or a match (meaning someone was going to have a fag) were all I needed to have to run for it, but that was because I wanted those things myself and my body had other plans. It was like an SAS operation - "Quick guys, if her emotions peak at the sight of anything we dont want, boot the gag reflex and make her run the other way".

    Also, please be reminded, mummy, you are supposed to stay late in bed and munch cream crackers or Rich Teas or plain crisps until its safe to become upright. You are also meant to have a stash wherever you sit down. Official. Its just the way it is. Don't think of it as constantly stuffing your face on dry carbs. Think of it as preserving your teeth and your carpet from those big green acid burn holes as demonstrated by Mrs mummy monster in Alien.

    Right, fucking off and shutting up, now.

    Hugs. Delicately. xxxx

    ReplyDelete