Wednesday, 20 December 2006

famous last words

So as Steg said, Famous Last Words.

Damn you, SAD syndrome! Or Christmas Stress. Or whatever you are.

I did have it all planned out in my head - I still do. But I feel really battered and pushed around by other people's expectations of me.

Depression sucks, doesn't it? It creeps up on you and before you know it, there you are, sat in yesterday's knickers, too stymied to even clean your teeth; and panicking about how big a goose's body cavity is and whether you're going to manage to put your socks on in time to go to a Supplier Christmas Shindig in Manchester this evening.

The answer to that would be a resounding 'No', I think.

B has gone to swap a desk out at an installation we have running that seems to be behaving strangely. I was going to go with him and then we were going on to Manchester for this party and to stay the night, in order to go to yet another party tomorrow night. I even booked a hotel online last night, in a fit of enthusiasm.

And then I had a massive, huge out-of-control panic attack based around too many things to do and too many people wanting me to do them.

And now, I have the knickers-socks-goose's-body-cavity problem and we have paid upfront for the hotel and it's too late to cancel it.

Bollocks, if you'll excuse me saying so.

Because of the success of my Bodyclock alarm-clock thingy, that wakes you up naturally by mimicking the sunrise, B has ordered me a 'light box'. The theory being that you sit in front of it for a bit each day and it encourages you to produce seratonin. Lack of seratonin in the brain is a measure (if not a direct cause, but no-one seems to be sure about this) of depression. So that's what the SSRI-type anti-depressants do - they stop seratonin being reabsorbed by the brain.

Anyway. It should be arriving within the next day or so and it should start working within a week or so. So we'll see.

In the meantime, I must go and let the poor chickens out, socks or no socks. And then I might make myself a cup of tea.

Small steps.

15 comments:

  1. Yes Bollocks just about sums it up. I really don't know how "bad" a word that is, but it describes my frame of mind this holiday season. The holidays knock us all for a loop Ally. A lot of the time we do it to ourselves,, trying o create the Currier and Ives holiday we see on greeting cards. I say if you see Xmas in in yseterdays knikers and socks, and the goose doesn't get stuffed---oh well! It's your Xmas. ANd I hope it is a good one.

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  2. Yes Bollocks just about sums it up. I really don't know how "bad" a word that is, but it describes my frame of mind this holiday season. The holidays knock us all for a loop Ally. A lot of the time we do it to ourselves,, trying o create the Currier and Ives holiday we see on greeting cards. I say if you see Xmas in in yseterdays knikers and socks, and the goose doesn't get stuffed---oh well! It's your Xmas. ANd I hope it is a good one.

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  3. *big hugs*

    Oh God, I have guilt now. I didn't talk this up, did I?

    Lift your foot up, I'll do your socks.

    *puts kettle on*

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  4. *big hugs*

    Oh God, I have guilt now. I didn't talk this up, did I?

    Lift your foot up, I'll do your socks.

    *puts kettle on*

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  5. Perhaps try cleaning cats teeth, putting socks on chicken and wearing knickers on head? If all else fails retire to lounge recline in front of warm log fire eating hot mince pies and drinking winter warmer ale. That should help...

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  6. Oh dear, bad luck! I expect jokes don't really help when you're feeling like that, and anyway this gloomy fog is making me feel a bit down as well. Get well soon.

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  7. Oh dear, bad luck! I expect jokes don't really help when you're feeling like that, and anyway this gloomy fog is making me feel a bit down as well. Get well soon.

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  8. Writing about it will have helped too, I hope. Depression really does suck, but panic is normal at this time of the year.
    xx

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  9. Writing about it will have helped too, I hope. Depression really does suck, but panic is normal at this time of the year.
    xx

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  10. Oh dear. Reach for the gin, sister - it's the best way forward! ;)

    Seriously though, just ignore all the festive bollocks if you're not feeling particularly festive. And there is no shame in wearing yesterday's knickers. Oh. Ok. Um, I realise there may be a slight problem with that phrase...

    Incidentally, I love love LOVE your FishCon scale, and will be adopting it chez KW henceforth. :)

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  11. Oh dear. Reach for the gin, sister - it's the best way forward! ;)

    Seriously though, just ignore all the festive bollocks if you're not feeling particularly festive. And there is no shame in wearing yesterday's knickers. Oh. Ok. Um, I realise there may be a slight problem with that phrase...

    Incidentally, I love love LOVE your FishCon scale, and will be adopting it chez KW henceforth. :)

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  12. Oh, noo.. Well, at least the Winter Solstice is but a few days away. Psychologically that helps me no end. It's actually going to start getting lighter. A lightbox sounds good. I've thought about that, too. Let us know how you get on with it!

    Yes, thankfully, I've got guests staying all the while Robert's gone, or I'd be wearing yesterdays's knickers too, for sure. And subsisting on stale toast, and using the same plate for 3 days to eat it off, too. Bollocks to it all, I'm not feeling all that festive either today.
    "Bollocks" is a good word, Star. Use it often. It's therapy. Living in the US now, I really don't hear it enough.
    Here's to nice sunny spring days, bluebell woods with insects buzzing and birds chirping, and the smell of earth and flowers. We will get there, despite ourselves.

    Have you tried Bach's Rescue Remedy for the panic attacks? Helps me no end.

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  13. Oh, noo.. Well, at least the Winter Solstice is but a few days away. Psychologically that helps me no end. It's actually going to start getting lighter. A lightbox sounds good. I've thought about that, too. Let us know how you get on with it!

    Yes, thankfully, I've got guests staying all the while Robert's gone, or I'd be wearing yesterdays's knickers too, for sure. And subsisting on stale toast, and using the same plate for 3 days to eat it off, too. Bollocks to it all, I'm not feeling all that festive either today.
    "Bollocks" is a good word, Star. Use it often. It's therapy. Living in the US now, I really don't hear it enough.
    Here's to nice sunny spring days, bluebell woods with insects buzzing and birds chirping, and the smell of earth and flowers. We will get there, despite ourselves.

    Have you tried Bach's Rescue Remedy for the panic attacks? Helps me no end.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh dear. Depression just doesn't seem to understand *bad timing*, does it?

    OK, look, at least you don't need to worry about the goose. Make a double recipe of stuffing, and if that doesn't suffice, ram a couple of onions in there as well. Can't go wrong.

    *hands Ally a chocolate-dipped orange cookie*

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  15. Oh dear. Depression just doesn't seem to understand *bad timing*, does it?

    OK, look, at least you don't need to worry about the goose. Make a double recipe of stuffing, and if that doesn't suffice, ram a couple of onions in there as well. Can't go wrong.

    *hands Ally a chocolate-dipped orange cookie*

    ReplyDelete