Saturday, 2 September 2006

briefly

Let's talk about pants.

Big, up to the chin, badly designed, saggy ladies pants of very plain design and dubious elasticity.

Because seemingly, that is all you can get in a size twenty to twenty-two in the local Tesco we stopped off at on Thursday.

Not, I hasten to add, that I am sharing anything about my pant-size with you.

Because, that is the other problem. During the same shopping trip, I bought two pairs of trousers; one a size sixteen and one a size eighteen. They fit pretty well.

But previous experience has led me to conclude that pants in those sizes are wrong, wrong, wrong. 'Chafing' is a word that could be used in context.

And I like comfortable pants. I have always liked comfortable pants. I feel that for me, a thong is not a viable option. I have tried, several times, with no success. So I normally go for something of medium coverage (so to speak), in a nice non-itchy cotton. Perhaps with a little embroidery. Perhaps plain.

However. Market research presumably clearly shows that women with big arses are not interested in looking pretty. So all that seemed to be available on Thursday were large, flag-sized garments, in white. The kind that come up to your chin if you slump a bit and tug at them; and that sag around the back.

There's a mental image for you.

Everyone reaches a point, sometime in their lives, where they have a Pants Emergency.

I had no option. No-where else was open. So I am now the proud possessor of four pairs of the most ENORMOUS pants I have ever seen.

Let us just say that if I ever need to make, say, a sail for a raft to save me from shipwreck; or a flag to surrender to the gathering hordes of barbarians, I will not be at a loss.

And that is all I have to say today.

27 comments:

  1. You could also use them as a parachute if you're in a plane that is hijacked or something.

    I brought home some boring black and white "safety pants" from Asda not long ago and the look of horror on Mr Mac's face was priceless. He just doesn't understand that there are days every month when we need to feel safe and not sexy in that area.

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  2. You could also use them as a parachute if you're in a plane that is hijacked or something.

    I brought home some boring black and white "safety pants" from Asda not long ago and the look of horror on Mr Mac's face was priceless. He just doesn't understand that there are days every month when we need to feel safe and not sexy in that area.

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  3. Pants (for our American cousins when we say "pants" we mean underpants. That which you call pants are, properly, trousers) are the most unattractive things for "normal people". It's so rare for anybody to look anything other than ridiculous in their undergarments that anyone who achieves it has a lifelong career as an underwear model.
    When I was young, single and after "sowing my wild oats" I soon discovered that the most effective contraceprtive device was a pair of boxer shorts. The sight of my powerful, Herculean frame *cough* clad only in boxers was enough to send the most desperate of women into paroxysms of mirth quite prolonged enough to quell any sexual desire at all!

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  4. Pants (for our American cousins when we say "pants" we mean underpants. That which you call pants are, properly, trousers) are the most unattractive things for "normal people". It's so rare for anybody to look anything other than ridiculous in their undergarments that anyone who achieves it has a lifelong career as an underwear model.
    When I was young, single and after "sowing my wild oats" I soon discovered that the most effective contraceprtive device was a pair of boxer shorts. The sight of my powerful, Herculean frame *cough* clad only in boxers was enough to send the most desperate of women into paroxysms of mirth quite prolonged enough to quell any sexual desire at all!

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  5. There's no call for them.

    I wrote to Markles complaining that sexy lacy bras were only available in under 38 or under D cup; where is the sexy stuff for women like me, who had been measured by M&S as 40DD. I did point out that there's no point in a 32B woman wearing a sexy lacy bra because she has no tits. They said there was no demand. I replied that people don't create a deand for something that doesn't exist, except by writing in. They have no idea how many 40DD women walk away without purchasing, or purchase the least worst option instead.

    They now do sexy lacy in 40DD. However, bra measuring has moved on and I am now a 34H or a 36GG, which doesn't even scrape M&S's radar. I've decided I want my boobs to be supported, not squashed and distorted.

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  6. There's no call for them.

    I wrote to Markles complaining that sexy lacy bras were only available in under 38 or under D cup; where is the sexy stuff for women like me, who had been measured by M&S as 40DD. I did point out that there's no point in a 32B woman wearing a sexy lacy bra because she has no tits. They said there was no demand. I replied that people don't create a deand for something that doesn't exist, except by writing in. They have no idea how many 40DD women walk away without purchasing, or purchase the least worst option instead.

    They now do sexy lacy in 40DD. However, bra measuring has moved on and I am now a 34H or a 36GG, which doesn't even scrape M&S's radar. I've decided I want my boobs to be supported, not squashed and distorted.

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  7. cough.

    it does seem that the fashion industry thinks that unless you are a human stick insect "nether garments" should still be something Mrs Slocomb would sell.

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  8. cough.

    it does seem that the fashion industry thinks that unless you are a human stick insect "nether garments" should still be something Mrs Slocomb would sell.

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  9. My stepmother has always called underwear of this type "armpit underwear," because that's how far it reaches up. You really have to wonder about the manufacturers' grasp of human anatomy.

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  10. My stepmother has always called underwear of this type "armpit underwear," because that's how far it reaches up. You really have to wonder about the manufacturers' grasp of human anatomy.

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  11. I know exactly what you mean! Why can't bigger women wear sexy, frilly, flattering garments? Is there some un-written law that I haven't been informed of?

    I used to be a F cup in bra size and all I used to be able to purchase, unless I wanted to fork out £30+ for a bra, were these horrid 'boulder holders' which were extremely basic, minging and looked like the type of attire flipping Queen Victoria would have sported! Enough said!

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  12. I know exactly what you mean! Why can't bigger women wear sexy, frilly, flattering garments? Is there some un-written law that I haven't been informed of?

    I used to be a F cup in bra size and all I used to be able to purchase, unless I wanted to fork out £30+ for a bra, were these horrid 'boulder holders' which were extremely basic, minging and looked like the type of attire flipping Queen Victoria would have sported! Enough said!

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  13. maybe it is because most fashion designers are men and have no idea of what a real woman really wants to wear! In their world all women are stick thin. personally i prefer a woman with a shape.
    Just imagine you are bridget jones..didn't she wear pants?

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  14. maybe it is because most fashion designers are men and have no idea of what a real woman really wants to wear! In their world all women are stick thin. personally i prefer a woman with a shape.
    Just imagine you are bridget jones..didn't she wear pants?

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  15. John Lewis, the most fantastic shop in the world, stocks lots of bras for the more well endowed amongst us. Unfortunately you do have to spend more if you want to get a really good quality bra how it is money well spent. Really they could dispense with all of those what to wear programmes by just telling us over and over again - get fitted for a bra and immediately look as if you have lost half a stone.

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  16. I have a theory that the designers of ladies undies think there are two sorts of women - bottomless, boobless stick insects and Nora Batty.

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  17. Other than sympathy for the vaguaries of fashion I have no comment today.

    That is all...

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  18. Other than sympathy for the vaguaries of fashion I have no comment today.

    That is all...

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  19. Golly, that struck a nerve, didn't it?!

    I completely agree that in the bra (and pants) department you get what you pay for. My mother says that "money spent on bras and shoes is never wasted".

    I love her.

    It does pain me though that one has to virtually take out a second mortgage to get decent-looking underwear that does the job :(.

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  20. Golly, that struck a nerve, didn't it?!

    I completely agree that in the bra (and pants) department you get what you pay for. My mother says that "money spent on bras and shoes is never wasted".

    I love her.

    It does pain me though that one has to virtually take out a second mortgage to get decent-looking underwear that does the job :(.

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  21. Always best to have Harvest Festival knickers on - ie all is safely gathered in

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  22. Ganching!

    I moved to Bravissimo; my partner's niece measures for bras at Harrods. I hadn't even thought of John Lewis.

    Thanks for the tip!

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  23. Ganching!

    I moved to Bravissimo; my partner's niece measures for bras at Harrods. I hadn't even thought of John Lewis.

    Thanks for the tip!

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  24. I should have said - when I can afford it, I go to a tiny little shop in Taunton, near Ma's, called 'The Corsetry Cottage'. They've been there for years and actually used to make corsets - my grandma got hers from there. They are fab and actually fit the things on you properly and know all the different styles etc they have in stock.

    Next best experience I've had was M&S in Exeter. The sales lady took about an hour and a half with me fitting things; and I ended up spending a hundred and fifty quid, which was MUCH more than I'd bargained on.

    As Ganching says, it IS all in the fit. Bloody things. Boobs, I mean.

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  25. I should have said - when I can afford it, I go to a tiny little shop in Taunton, near Ma's, called 'The Corsetry Cottage'. They've been there for years and actually used to make corsets - my grandma got hers from there. They are fab and actually fit the things on you properly and know all the different styles etc they have in stock.

    Next best experience I've had was M&S in Exeter. The sales lady took about an hour and a half with me fitting things; and I ended up spending a hundred and fifty quid, which was MUCH more than I'd bargained on.

    As Ganching says, it IS all in the fit. Bloody things. Boobs, I mean.

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  26. "Bloody things. Boobs, I mean."

    Heh! *battles valiantly against initial impulse to make puerile comment*

    Having heard, from ladies of my acquaintance, of the difficulties experienced dealing with a fuller decolletage, I'm glad it's one issue I don't have to deal with.

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  27. "Bloody things. Boobs, I mean."

    Heh! *battles valiantly against initial impulse to make puerile comment*

    Having heard, from ladies of my acquaintance, of the difficulties experienced dealing with a fuller decolletage, I'm glad it's one issue I don't have to deal with.

    ReplyDelete