Tuesday, 1 November 2005


Some days I feel as if I am on a slope.

It is slippery and freezing cold and wet and made of glass.

I am clinging on with my fingertips and my toes and if I slip, I will plummet, down and down, gathering speed, in to the nothingness swirling below me.

Some days that nothingness is all I want.

Clinging on to the slope, trying to pull myself up inch by painful in inch takes so much energy it feels impossible.

At the top of the slope is sunlight, laughter, peace, happiness, joy.

At the bottom is there is also peace - restful oblivion.

Here, where I am clinging, are jutting sharp edges, sudden cold gusts of icy wind, hailstones battering me, continual struggle, confusion, pain.

Every inch I climb up is hard won and every time I slip, I can feel myself accelerating down the slope, racing towards the bottom.

Sometimes, I want to give up. To just BE at the bottom, enveloped in that nothingness down there, so that I can experience some sort of peace - even if it IS the peace of complete oblivion.

Yesterday was NOT a good day.

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