Thursday, 13 October 2005

cat milk

The kitten thing has opened up a whole new sphere of marketing for me.

My Cat History is one based on farm cats. They would eat their Whiskas-and-cornflakes (Kelloggs, of course) out of an old Fray Bentos tin on the dining room windowsill every morning and every evening, up out of the way of the dogs, who they treated with cordial loathing.

They would spend all day out and about around the place, occasionally bringing in mice, rats and on one memorable occasion, a fully grown rabbit; brought in by an elderly Patch, who proudly dropped it at Pa's feet and then wailed at him until he cut it open for her to eat, as she had no teeth left to speak of.

If they wanted a cuddle they would come and ask for one, but they really didn't like being petted very much. At night, they might come in to sleep if it was very cold, but they much preferred to sleep in a shed or barn somewhere, so that they could be up and about early in the morning, doing their Cat Thing.

So, perusing the supermarket shelves at the weekend, looking for some sort of kitten food to tide us over until I can sort out some organic stuff, I was astounded by the variety and quantity of knick-knacks available for Your Precious Pet (tm). Particularly 'cat milk'.

I went through a whole brief but disturbing mental scenario of small Cat Milking Parlours, with tiny Cat Milking Devices to go on Cat Udders and even a Cat Milk Bottling Plant, designed to be operated by paws without opposable thumbs ... and then I realised that it was actually cows milk, with bits added.

Wierd.

And 'cat grass'. What's that all about? Can't you just let your cat out in to the garden so it can eat grass there?

Not to mention the many available varieties of Cat Gym, Cat Basket, Cat Blanket and other assorted Cat Devices specifically designed to part Cat Lovers from their Cat Money.

I have a bite-mark on my nose. Perhaps there's a market for Hannibal Lecter Style Cat Owner's Protective Masks ... 'for that all important growing period for your new kitten'.

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