Saturday, 4 June 2005

moving the goalposts

I am having trouble with the whole emotional-rollercoaster-of-childlessness thing again this week. Several things:

I feel so angry all the time. I think this is partly an artefact of having just come off the anti-depressant medication; but it's also because I feel so powerless. I know I'd be a good mother, and people I know say that they think I would be, too. Our friends, R and Dani, are quite happy for me to look after their kids, which they wouldn't be if they thought I was going to sit in a corner gibbering whilst they put their fingers in the fire and drank bleach.

But obviously, adoption agencies don't know me. They can only look at the paper stats and apply their rules. That's fair enough, as they need to do the best for the children in their care. I spoke to Adoption Matters again yesterday and the social worker was still reluctant for us to proceed; although she was very happy to keep our case notes open and was very supportive.

The top and bottom of it is that she wants a medical review now, before we go ahead with what they call 'Preparation Groups'. They now basically want us to wait until I've been off the medication six months before they seriously consider us. It is only after the 'Preparation Group' sessions that they start to take your application forward, and it takes six to nine months to get approval after that. The next set of Preparation Groups that we would be able to go on are in November.

I feel that the goal-posts keep getting moved.

Once we get the medicals out of the way, I am going to try to forget about it all for a bit and throw myself in to growing the business, sorting the house out and, maybe, this online Masters Degree in Arthurian Studies at Lampeter. Or something else really obscure and academic that will have no real-world application at all.

And in the meantime, try to stop getting so angry that I can feel the pressure building up in my head and threatening to break out of my ears :).

No comments:

Post a Comment