Friday, 22 April 2005

our decision

I think ... we have made our decision.

We are not going to pursue fertility treatment any further.

All along I've said that I don't want to take any steps that involve intervention; and that is the point we've reached. We're visiting my Ma and Pa this weekend, so I'm going to talk it over with my mother (sometimes that's just what one has to do) and then if I am of the same mind when we come back on Sunday, on Monday I am going to phone the consultant and thank them, but say that I don't want to proceed.

It's an odd feeling - of relief on one hand, that we can draw a line under it and move forward with adoption.

But there is also sadness. In ten years, if we don't conceive ourselves, or if we adopt and it isn't as successful as it could be, WILL we look back to this time and wish that we'd taken it forward?

I don't think it's possible to say until we get there. I have passed through grief - the gut-wrenching, pain-in-the-chest kind of emotion that comes out in those terrible gulping sobs that you can't suppress. That happened a while ago, regularly every month, when I got my period.

Each time I started to bleed, it was as if I was mourning the child that could have happened.

Now, I have no expectations. If it happens, then that's a bonus. If it doesn't, then that's fine too. It's a peaceful place to be.

B's perspective?

He said:

"I've been thinking about you having a laparoscopy. They say there's a 0.3% chance of it going wrong. I can live without kids of our own. I can't live without you".
We are together in this, whatever we decide, and whatever happens.

And that, plus the fact that I am sticking by my principles, is the most important thing.

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