Tuesday, 12 April 2005

get a grip

Not a good day.

I didn't make The Talk. Instead I had a panic attack.

I am really, really cross with myself. I've been doing so well, and despite my doubts about my familiarity with the subject matter, I was looking forward to the event - groups of ten year olds out of their classroom and doing something interesting are fun. It wasn't that bit that made me panic - it was the actual getting-out-the-door bit. The panic gets triggered when I feel that everyone is relying on me, so I have to do what-ever-it-is. Despite the fact that I know what the trigger is, and have done a lot of work on it, I still sometimes have real difficulty managing the feelings.

On the plus side:

  • I got out of bed, got dressed, had breakfast
  • I managed to load the car
  • I actually got in the car
On the minus side (and this is the bit that really counts):
  • I didn't actually manage to start the car and drive to the venue to do the gig
I only sat in the car crying for ten minutes after I'd decided I couldn't physically make myself go any further. This is a massive improvement even looking back to the summer, when I got hysterical a couple of times and had to go and sit in the wardrobe*. B has phoned the organisers and told them that I am unwell - citing flu, which is easier to explain than panic.

I feel like a failure.

I feel that I am not contributing financially to the business. Running the office and doing the website is all very well, but at the end of the day, we need to average twenty to twenty-five days a month paid work between the three of us to keep us in the style to which we'd like to become accustomed. If I can't be relied upon to go out independently, then that puts more of a strain on the lads. At the moment, if I was employing me, I would be having serious doubts about my suitability as a member of our workforce.


I am going to stop wallowing in self-pity, get my finger out, revamp the website and do some marketing now.

*Quiet, dark, private, empty of people with expectations of one. Disturbingly however, also smells slightly of cats.

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