Monday, 7 February 2005

pain

Back to need versus want. I guess I don't need kids to be fulfilled, satisfied, happy etc..



But I do want them.



So badly that it's painful sometimes.



I know all the bad stuff: the screaming in supermarkets, the lack of sleep and disposable income, the never having enough time for proper sex, ever, ever again.



But somehow there is a part of me that disregards all of that and craves a family, desperately.



I knew when we started having the fertility tests that I could get obsessive about this. And I have.



Yes, perhaps it's not the right time.



Yes, perhaps we are meant to have our own.



Yes, perhaps the children we are supposed to adopt haven't come up for adoption yet.



Yes, perhaps there's more stuff I need to do for myself first.



Yes, B and I have each other and lots of people don't even get that far.



How can you feel bereft of something that you have never experienced?



This HURTS.



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