Friday, 11 February 2005

do you take this woman ...

We are going to a wedding in Surbiton this weekend.

The bride has just been born again and the entire event is being held on the premises of the evangelical church they are marrying in. Hence there is no bar at the reception, which is vegetarian.

I have no issues AT ALL with any of the above - apart from the lack of bar, see below - but I was slightly scared by the invitation, which stated that we should let them know if we had any special dietary requirements "except for the desire for meat". Even an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence would have taken the sting out of it.

I have arranged to borrow R's hip flask, which I was going to conceal stealthily about my person - however he has advised against this, as he says he thinks it won't hold enough for two people through one wedding reception. I am therefore going to purchase half a bottle of Jack Daniels and take a BIG handbag.

To add to the excitement, B's ex-girlfriend, Xena ("The Warrior Princess") may also be going. After Xena and B split, a lot of his clients started using him more, as they said they were so scared of her that they hadn't liked to phone up and book him in case she answered the phone.

In addition, everyone we came across seemed to have a "The Day I Saw My Arse With Xena" story, including an ex-employee who said that he had started looking for a new job the day they were working together in the office and she told a client to "fuck off" on the telephone.

I suppose a wedding isn't a good one unless there's some sort of punch-up, but traditionally it is between relatives of the bride and groom rather than friends.

If all else fails I plan to use the JD bottle as a weapon.

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