In response to Scaryduck's request, I should in all fairness probably mention my plumber-with-bowel-trouble story.
Great plumber. Corgi registered. Charges £25 a day, which I realise will make readers in the South East want to start gnawing their own legs off. Always seems to be on the sick from his main job, but happy to come out and have a look at your problem if he's well enough.
Visit always involves listening to an unexpurgated history of his colon since his last visit and a description of his bowel movements during the day, and, if you are particularly unlucky, the weekend.
It also usually involves a full update on his family's doings - none of whom I have ever met or am likely to - in mesmerising detail.
The trick is to eat something bland before he arrives and remember never to offer him caffeinated beverages.