Saturday, 28 August 2004

the linnaen classification of ex boyfriends

For some reason, all my ex's seem to end up with handy tags which sum up some item of note in their character:

Peter the transvestite

Nice David who I still get on with

Rob with the active fantasy life in the SAS

Crazy Tom

This makes it easy to refer to them in conversation and seems a marginally more memnonic approach than starting comedy stories with "you remember me mentioning my ex, Rob, the tall, thin one with the dandruff problem and that *horrible* grey suit? Well ...".

I have been doing this for so long now though, that I am finding myself using the same device to describe friends and relatives, which can be less than tactful. People's most memorable traits are often the ones that they would like NOT to be known for. For example, "Neil with the fear of emotional attachment", "passive-aggressive Nick" or "Rachel who never stops talking" would all be mortified and/or pretty pissed off if they knew that I was having to make a mental effort to prevent myself categorising them thus.

Possibly I would be known as "Ally who continually rants on about the comedy traits of her exes", or maybe simply "that bitch, Ally". So not a road I want to go down, really. B is already ever-so-slightly miffed (and pretending not to be) that I've evolved the term "B-world" to describe his, let me think how to phrase this, more 'thoughtful moments'. Other people have taken this up and run with it - someone said to me yesterday - "B-world, lovely to visit. But you wouldn't want to live there. Lots of postcards - but no stamps to send them with".

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